Wednesday, 12 May 2010

'...I would break myself down...'

Why did I have such a distinct conviction that God didn’t approve of my change? Well, because He didn’t. And, it wasn’t because those who were saying I was proud were wrong. Truth is, I was proud and I needed to change. They were right in correcting me and teaching me. Too many people were saying the same thing. They couldn’t all be wrong, while I was the only one right. So, I set out to change. But, I went about it in the wrong way.

‘I told myself every time someone would tell me that I was proud, or something similar, I would use that opportunity to rebuke myself. I would break myself down.’

And, that’s exactly what I did. I broke myself down and did it so well, I couldn’t put myself back together again afterwards. Soon, thoughts like, ‘I don’t deserve this’, ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘Who am I?’ and many other similar thoughts were natural to me. I didn’t believe in myself anymore. Of course, those thoughts were not from God. And, because of such thoughts, I lost more opportunities than I can count – opportunities to do what God called me to do, save those around me, beginning with myself.

God gave me an opportunity to preach His Word, and all the while I told myself that I didn’t deserve that opportunity. There were other Women of God better suited than me, who had more experience than I did, and so, because I failed to believe in Him and in myself, God took that opportunity away. Many others went down the drain in a similar way. I lost friendships that would have added to my life, because I told myself, she deserves a better friend than me. Who am I to be her friend? What could I possibly add in her life? I’m not good enough. I hesitated to speak to women around me in the church, because I thought, I have nothing to give to them. Let others who know better help them. God gave me an opportunity to be part of a Women’s programme, and all the while I kept thinking, someone better should be here in my place. I don’t speak well enough, I’m not good enough. These are but a few examples of the many opportunities I let slip out of my hands. Yet, every so often I would pray, ‘God use my life.’ How ironic!

For you to imagine how little I believed in myself, when we were given opportunity in church to hold hands with the people next to us and to pray for them and bless them, I’d believe without any shadow of a doubt that God was using their prayer to bless me, but I would have trouble believing that He would accept my prayer on their behalf. ‘I mean,’ I would think to myself, ‘I am full of so many mistakes. Why would God use me to bless anyone?’ That’s how little I thought of myself. That’s how much I broke myself down.

To be honest, it pains me to admit this to you. It pains me to open myself up this way and admit my vulnerability. It pains me that now you know how much I used to struggle with my confidence. I want nothing more than to hide this and keep it to myself. I want nothing more than for this to remain in my little corner of the world, in the privacy of my own thoughts. But, I couldn’t lose yet another opportunity to reach out and save a soul. Even as I write this, the very demeaning thoughts come to my mind. ‘Who are you to think you can help anyone? What makes you think anyone is going to read this? Who cares what you have to say?’ But, being the work in progress I am, I now refuse to be dominated by these thoughts. Instead, they revolt me. Instead, I rebuke them. Instead, I am now dominated by the Word of my Lord:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD…" (Jeremiah 29:11-14).

Any thought that comes to break you down doesn’t come from God. He plans to prosper you. He plans not to harm you. He plans to multiply you and give you a future. He plans to listen to and answer your prayers. He plans to be found by you, not to keep you at a distance. These are the thoughts that now carry me. Let these be the thoughts that carry you! You may not have much to believe in yourself. But, believe in the One who chose you. He knows you; nothing about you is hidden from Him. Yet He still chose you. Allow Him to fulfil His plans through you!

18 comments:

Sandra Ulume said...

Dna Moti, this blog post has helped me more than you can imagine. I thank God you allowed Him to use you as a channel and I believe this message will surely bless many. I am going to print it out and share with someone that will also surely benefit from this.

Anabella said...

Hello Mrs.Moti!! How are you? This post was so useful for me! I'm in a similar situation, in which God shows me that wants to use me as an assistant but I look at myself and thought:"Me, to be an assistant?". I'm in the kids zone here in my country (Argentina), I like being there and serving God.
Some people, tell me all the time: "Are you an assistant?"; others called me: "Assistant!", etc. I remember a woman in the church that thought I was an assistant and she wanted to be counselled or to receive a prayer (I remember the situation only). I told people thousands of times that I'm not an assistant but every week someone tells me that...it's so wonderful and strange at the same time!!:-)But I think that God knows the reason. So useful your blog!! God bless you!
Kisses,
Anabella

Kiran Kaur said...

Very strong blog post! For sure this has helped me more ways than imagined, thanks you Mrs Moti for posting this and this will help so many others!

Luis Bernardino said...

I would to add, that just like job in the bible, he had family, friends and wife surround him, but he had to pass all that battle alone and at the end God gave him 7 times more.
Honey, I strong believe that nothing was lost but yet kept to be reveal and given back with greater reward. Faithfulness and loyalty to God keep us strong. Apart one may say that is not worthy or he can not receive it because he does not deserve... God chose us to be out of the box and be special, remember Bishop Macedo when he had to come out of the box and start the UCKG, he had to be unique, people didn't understood him, but today people can say: He done what God asked him to do! And God chose him because he was what he was. Remember you are unique, special, a rose that always is smiling at us.... do not never forget that! God made and choose you like that! So that this rose can leave the smell go with the wind and save many others. Thank you for sharing your word.....

Anonymous said...

this is exactly me,am always puting myslef down, and the reason for it is because i dont want to be proud,but now i know that God knows me He chose me and nothing of me is hidden from Him everything iam is His,as of now i will let God use me as He wants.

Anneka Marston said...

Wow, these really touched me in a part of my heart I didnt think could be touched. I've felt like a shadow for so long! now i let the Light that is within me shine for all Its glory! Thank you sister Moti. kIsses

Jhaun-Neiki kk Josephs said...

Mrs Moti, This is so true and strong. this has really opened my eyes to look at the real me.

Thank you very much.

Anonymous said...

hi i am going through this too. when i read this it is as if you were describing me all along. i have so many doubts that i am not good enough to serve God. Like for example i know i received the holy spirit....but for like 5 months now i have been having doubts about it and i feel like i am not worthy enough to have Him and even sewrve Him. you see we are getting the opportunity to go to some clases to serve God and become pastor and i feel like we are not prepared enough we ave missed this chance for 2 times allready this would be the third and i really want to go. how can i stop making myself be so little like you used to do it and overcome this problem. see i think everyone is prettier than me i think of my self as ugly, can never do anything and that most of all i am failling God please help!!!!!!!

Motlatsi said...

Dear anonymous,

There is only one way to overcome doubts like these, and that's learning to ignore our emotions. These doubts are products of our emotions and they feed of our emotions. The only way to overcome them is to live by faith, believing in the Word and Promises of God. Any Word that comes from God will bring conviction and peace, and anything that brings fear and doubts doesn't come from God. Believe God's Word more than these words of doubts. Otherwise, you will not be pleasing God.

Anonymous said...

thank you sooo much mrs. Moti you can't beleived how much you helped me i looked in every blog to see if by any chance any one would write an expirience or a story like this that i could identify myself with. but nothing i prayed that God would use someone but please help me in this and it was you! I thank God for using you mrs. moti. i can say i love you from pure heart and thank you soooo much!!!!!!!!but most of all thank God for using you! thank you for answering my question it really helped to know that this is a problem from using too much feelings......my changing process has begun and i wont hesitate to overcome anything that comes my way! God is with me!!AMEN may He Bless you and Keep using you :)

Boitumelo - S.Africa said...

Thank you for the post, please keep me in your prayers to overcome this problem as you have.

Keitumetse said...

I read this postand it felt as if i was watching a movie of my own life. I try by all mean to fight these thoughts and they keep coming. Sometimes as if it's a spirit of humbleness, and now I know, it's the devil trying to diminish me and using the word of God. And the truth is, the devil uses something that makes us truly believe we are what he make us think,like our mistakes for example. It always felt weird to admit this, but this does happen, and if we do not fight it back, it can consume us.Thank you Mrs Moti for making us see what we secretly go through that we do not want many to know. God used to you Mrs Moti through this message to help us. Thank you so much.

Selena said...

I read this before and now I'm reading it the second time round and have seen that I have overcome these thoughts against myself. I found it very hard in the beginning because I listened to them too much but now I fight against them stronger.

Sabrina Durant said...

This is a very strong post, it is so great to put your own experiences and thoughts on a blog for the world to see. Because everybody has their own concept of how they see you. But the one we have of ourselves is completely different. Inside we are fighting to be better and to overcome our fears and doubts and most especially ourselves. This post reminds me of myself a lot how I used to be. I will for sure pass this on to a friend I know who needs it too. Thank you for overcoming this and allowing God to use you so that you could share this with us.

Debora Anjos said...

Mrs Moti!
This post speaks to me more than you can imagine. I've broken myself down to the point of feeling quite depressed up until not too long ago. Thank God now I carry exactly this same passage from Jeremiah with me, and literally as a constant reminder note on my cell phone.
May God bless you and all the readers of this blog!

Rajani said...

Thanks for sharing Mrs. Moti, you truly are a blessing. I don't know you very well and I don't need to but I like your confidence. I, myself, used to pity myself far too many times. I struggled just as you did and I lost out on many opportunities also, so I know exactly how hard it is, but the only thing left to do now is to keep the determination to be great and the faith that we can be.
God bless you always,
Rajani, Southall, UK
Rajani

janett said...

I totally indentified with this blog because for so long i felt like God Has blessed me and i feel like I dont deserve it. I done things in my life that Im not proud of and still god gave me a second chance to redeemed myself I know god has plans for me. Though I dont know them yet. Whatever it is I know Is for me to help others the way he has help me.

Anonymous said...

dear mrs moti

Thank u alot,this has helped me alot,i felt like i was reading an article about myself...i am exactly lyk this,sometimes and for years been in the church ive always rejected being raised as an assitant or even a youth leader..i thought to myslef..i cud never"at ur exact words"why would people want to listen to me",there are better wome than me in the church,women who are more spiritually strong....although i try 2 ignore working for God the way im suppose to,i always feel as though im lost,like im not doing enough,i compare myself to other people and imediately think i wil never be like them..but i find that all these feelings are based on emotions and bad thoughts...thank u for sharing your experinece..it really has helped