Monday, 30 January 2012

Moti Answers: Thinking of Leaving Him for a While

I was reading your blog titled True Love Series: Two Strangers Living Together and to tell you the truth I am all that you wrote and more with my husband. We don’t talk or do anything together and we've been like this for years now (been married six years). The problem is the only thing he likes to do is sleep with me and it’s the worst thing that I like to do in my life. I've tried talking to him over and over and have even tried to sleep with him as he wants but he doesn’t do the things I like in return. I only like to talk and walk with him and he doesn’t even want to do that. I have given up on my marriage and don’t care what happens next. The worst thing is I am in the church and he is not but I have failed. What should I do? I just want to go away from him for a while so that I can at least start to miss him and think of him again, then maybe I can start all over with him.

Please help!

Dear friend,

When I read your email, I have to admit I felt a bit overwhelmed. I had so much to say and didn’t know how to condense everything in this one answer. So, dear friend, I advise you to continue following this True Love Series faithfully, for there are certain things and certain answers that will come in later posts, and you will begin to understand more about true love.

Now, let’s just concentrate on what I perceive to be the root of your problem. You have not yet realized the power you have to change your situation. Had you realized it, you wouldn’t be thinking about giving up. You are not yet aware how much influence you have over your husband. At this point, you have placed expectations on him and are waiting for him to change, which is like a parent waiting for a child to change, before they can become a good parent. I’m not saying you are your husband’s mother, not at all. What I’m saying is, you are the influential half in your marriage, and waiting for him to change is leading you to sacrifice your power of influence.

It’s not a coincidence that the Bible says a wise woman (instead of a man) builds her house, while a foolish one tears hers down. This verse simply shows that as women, we have power over our house – the power to build and the power to tear it down. So, let’s look at ways you can start building your house…

First of all, removing yourself from your house is certainly not the way to build the house. I strongly advise you against taking a break, especially now when things between you are this rocky. You won’t get to miss your husband, as you think you will, you will end up forgetting him. That is the quickest way to end your marriage.

Secondly, start putting in your mind that it is up to you to change things and not up to him. I know that’s probably the last thing you want to hear, but it is the truth. It is your responsibility. As such, you need to stop looking at the wrong things he does and start looking at the wrong things you do. From your email, I already know what your husband does that hurts you (in your opinion), but what do you do that hurts him? Start identifying things in you that are pushing your husband away and are hurting him. Once you’ve identified them, start changing them immediately. That alone should make him see you in a different light and inspire him to treat you better. Remember to keep visiting the blog every Tuesday, to learn more things you can do to change your marriage.

Lastly, you know that thought you had in the back of your mind, as you read my email, which kept telling you that your marriage couldn’t be saved? That is an absolute lie! Friend, when you reached out to me for help, you began saving your marriage, not because I’m the Saviour, not at all!!! But, because when you sought help, you declared that you have not given up on your marriage and that you want to build your house. Otherwise you’d be emailing a divorce lawyer. Stand by that declaration! You can do this!

(If you have any doubts or questions you would like me to answer, send them to


Terry Donegal said...

These words are very strong, truly as women we have the power to build or destroy our homes, so really we have to be that wise woman who builds her house, this truly demands sacrifice because for our spouses to change we cannot look to their faults, first we have to see ours and as you said we should start to change first which will give the Holy Spirit chance to change our spouses, this is very strong, it is not easy to do but it works i am testimony to that. God bless you Mrs. Moti.

Sandra said...

It's very true that sometimes we easily point fingers to our other half, seeing their wrong things and not recognising that there are certain things that we need to change in order for them to see and treat us in a different way.