Thursday, 26 January 2012

True Love Series: The Monster!

Going by my own experience in marriage and also the experiences of many people to whom I have spoken, what we are going to talk about is so common… focusing on your own mistakes, instead of those of the other person.

I can’t count the times when, in my marriage, I looked at my husband and saw him as a ‘monster’ who ruined my life. To be honest, it wasn’t my life he had ruined, just the fairytale I believed in. But, to me, it felt like he had ruined my life. I’d have conversations with myself about the horrible things he was doing and saying, and friends, I was convinced I was living with a monster.

I should take time to clarify that, my husband wasn’t abusing me or anything like that. The things that annoyed me about him and made me label him a ‘monster’ were actually very small things, which are typical to men. He threw things over a floor I’d just finished to tidy up, refused to change the channel when I asked, expressed himself in a less sensitive way than I would – the usual things a newly marriage couple has to face.  But, because of this idea I had that marriage had to be a fairytale, he seemed like a horrible person to me. And, the more he refused to change, the more I felt maltreated. ‘Oh poor me, I could be so happy with someone else, living my fairytale, but here I am stuck with this reality!’

Telling you about it, I even feel stupid. This was such a naïve way of thinking, not to mention it was a huge injustice to my husband. He loved me, he went out of his way to please me and make me happy, but all I could see were the things he was not – things that were insignificant. While I was focusing on his mistakes, I missed out on his qualities. “Moti,” you may say, “you are describing my life, right now. My husband is to me a monster, who has ruined my life completely. How do I turn that around?”

Well, let me tell you what happened to make me turn around. One day, I came face to face with another reality. I will never forget the day when that reality hit. We had gone out with friends and my husband was having such a good time, laughing, happy, like he had no care in the world. During that time, I kept thinking, “Oh, he’s so happy. When was the last time I saw him laughing like this?” I kept searching and searching for a time I had seen him this carefree and happy with me, and I couldn’t remember it. That’s when the truth hit me. “My God! To him, I was the monster who ruined his life!”

I stopped seeing myself as the victim and started seeing myself as the culprit. I started looking at my mistakes and how I was also robbing him of his happiness, by being such a bitter, ungrateful wife. The truth hurt so bad, but also, the truth set me free that day. From that day, instantly, I was happy. When I stopped focusing on wanting him to change, and started looking at myself, my husband became human again. That means, I started acknowledging the fact that he also had the ability to feel hurt and disappointed, like I did. And, I never wanted to be the reason he felt hurt and disappointed. I wanted to be the reason he was happy. That is true love – you live to make someone happy and not the other way round. How have you been looking at your spouse? 


Diane said...

Thanks for this Mrs Moti..... I am a baby in my marriage can see many similarities when reading certain articles that other people have written who have been married for a longer period of time and it really helps me to see the other side of the coin. I have just joined your blog and look forward to receiving your views and message each day....Diane

Ntokozo said...

All I can say it "Oh Nkosi yami" thank you. I am in my second year of marriage and just yesterday I was saying to myself that my husband is a "horrible" person who messes things up and refuse to clean up, he's insensitive to my feelings. I was feeling like a victim, and I was actually thinking that I didn't sacrifice my life for this but thank God, God put your name on my mind and I kept looking for your articles yesterday on facebook but couldn't find it. After finished everything, i decided to look you up on Google and I believe that I will find something to help me and this is exactly what i have been looking for. a good hard rebuke and thank God you are a woman of God that showed me that its not my husband who is horrible but me as he has been the most wonderful man ever, he goes out of his way to please me but just small things like you said hindered and blinded me to look beyond at his wonderful qualities. Thank you again

Anonymous said...

This is all too real. I can completely relate to this situation, the more you focus on your partner's flaws, the farther away you are from the solution. I think it was one week after our honeymoon that my fairytale image was shattered.... and oh, how dramatic it all was. Now that I know the truth, my marriage is completely changed :o)

Anonymous said...

Now I don't have a spouse, but the way I am with my sister is like this I'm so used to saying she's so rude and don't like to listen to me.
But what did I do to change this. From reading this blog. I see that I need to change the same way I say she needs to change so do I have to change. We always look at others but what about ME or my character. This week I really practise looking at myself and not blaming others.

Catherine Nancy

fatima said...

This can help with alot of ares of our life, we can sometimes always make out to be the victim and totally disregard the other persons feelings. when we should be the ones changing in order for that person to then change also. i belive this will also help me out in the future wheni am married

Sandra said...

I have been in a relationship for more then 10 years in the past and I have similarities to what you have described in your post, through all of that I am glad that I was brought closer to God through those moments and I feel happier and I recognise that I was so foolish doing so many wrong things myself, and I believe, through all this I learnt and I will never repeat those same mistakes made in my previous relationship so now I am able to move into a relationship much more prepared and mature.

Anonymous said...

This is true.... happines in a relationship depends of both, wife & husband