Thursday, 19 January 2012

True Love Series: Two Strangers Living Together.

I have a confession to make. I feel so distant from my husband right now. We live like two strangers sharing the same house. He does his own thing, I do my own. If I’m really honest, I don’t think I’m even in love with him anymore. In fact, I am strongly considering divorce.

Are these thoughts familiar to you, my friend? Have you come to a point where it feels like your marriage was the biggest mistake of your life? Well, taking it one day at time, doing the same things over and over, isn’t going to get you out of the predicament you are in. What you are doing in your marriage clearly isn’t working for you. What you need is a plan!

Well, that’s where I come in :-)! One of the things that brings distance in couples is not sharing common interests. He likes football, you like movies and because you are not getting along, you are relieved when he goes off to watch a match with his friends and he’s relieved when you go watch movies with your friends. It becomes a vicious cycle. You don’t get along, because you don’t spend time together, and you don’t spend time together, because you don’t get along. See what I mean? Somewhere, this cycle needs to be broken, so that a new cycle – a good cycle – can begin.

Seeing that between the two of you, the only one you can control is yourself, breaking this cycle must be your responsibility. I was about to say, ‘If you want to save your marriage’, this is what you will need to do. But, the way things are so bad, at this stage you may not even be feeling like saving the marriage. So, do it for the sake of the years you’ve invested in this marriage. Do what I am about to tell you, because you owe it to yourself to try harder, your dream deserves a bigger effort.

The two of you need to spend time with each other. You need to start doing things together and start investing in each others’ interests – that means, watch the soccer match or the dreaded movie. Instead of doing your nails in the bedroom, sit next to him while he plays the video game. Accompany him when he goes out to do the things he loves doing. Probably, in the beginning you will annoy each other and you may end up arguing. It may feel like it is not working. But, do you know what’s going to happen? You are going to get to watch him do things he enjoys. You’ll see him laugh, have fun, relax and be vulnerable. Laughter and fun are contagious. You will stop seeing him as the monster who ruined your life and will start seeing him as a person with feelings. That’s how the wall between you will start breaking and eventually, you will start enjoying being around him again and will be more empathetic towards him.

But, Moti, doing all this is next to impossible. It’s very hard for me to even be in the same room with him. How am I possibly going to spend that much time with him? I know… Hollywood led us to believe that all this happened automatically, right? But friend, true love is not about self, it is about choosing to make someone happy – choosing to be someone’s dream come true. The more you strive to make your partner happy, the more valuable you become to him. That’s true love!


Ashanta Hay said...

Tbh I'm not married, or dating but this helped. How? With me and my mother sometimes it's like we're two strangers in the same house, but instead of being cold and locked in my room I started to invite myself out with her or try to begin a conversation, send her random texts showing my interest in how her day is going. Small things really do make a big difference.

Mbalee B said...

Dear Moti

I am very single at the moment but I know that this will help my relationship with my mom, will try your suggestions. I love that you mentioned that love is not about self but about making someone happy; as a single lady I can practice this towards my First Husband, to things that will make God happy, to not always want and want but to please Him.